Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Tomb of the Werewolf- or How I Accidently Rented Softcore Porn

This is an older story, but I was reminded of it yesterday while we were at Hobby Lobby. They've got their Halloween decorations out (And also Christmas... Poor Thanksgiving, no one loves him!) and what goes better with Halloween than werewolves? I've always loved werewolves! Way better then vampires any day!

So anyway, when I was in high school, Mom and I went to the movie rental place. She said I could pick out a movie of my own, so I toddled off alone to browse the shelves. I fancied finding a werewolf movie (I think a few of them had recently come out, so I was on a werewolf kick anyway) so I wandered around until I came across this:

The werewolf on the cover didn't look half bad, which is generally my main concern when it comes to werewolf movies. I mean, the plotline's usually going to be flimsy anyway, so why worry? I read through the synopsis on the back, which seemed normal enough, decided I was good with it, and off we went home! After popping some popcorn, I sequestered myself in my bedroom to watch, while my parents watched their movie in the living room.

My first indication that something wasn't quite right with this movie was the opening scene, in which the evil Countess Bathory is making a blood sacrifice of of a woman tied to a tree so that she can stay young and beautiful. All of it seemed pretty normal for a horror film, until the Countess ripped the other woman's shirt off and basically started mauling her breasts.

Uhm... Okay. Weird but not terrible. It's not like they were playing typical 'bow-chika-wow-wow' porno music in the background. The scene quickly ended with the bound woman getting killed and some blood bathing or whatever, and it jumped into the rest of the movie. The plot was flimsy, something about a failing reality mystery TV show producer getting invited out to some castle to search for the long lost treasure and remains of a werewolf Baron. The group in the movie was the most unrealistic TV production crew ever, all in their early twenties, fit with perfect hair...

The movie progressed fine through all the 'plot set up' bits, until after the crew's dinner when they retired to their rooms for the night. But they didn't get much sleep. About this time I finally realized that this was freaking soft core porn. The character would get all hot and bothered and have foreplay right up until they were disrobing the last of their undergarments when it would jump cut to another scene.

With a very loud "WTF?!" I shut the movie off, and marched out into the living room where my parents had paused their movie to go make popcorn or something. "How is your movie?" they asked. I tell you what, I never expected to answer that question with "Unexpectedly pornographic"!

In my defense, the Tomb of the Werewolf is classified as a horror movie, and is in the horror section of the movie store. Either the producers for it were in serious denial, or it was very badly advertised, cause I imagine it would have made a LOT more money in the adult section of the rental store! Apparently, if you're into that 'scene' some of the actors and actresses listed in there have been in other racy films as well, but I had no idea. I thought it was just a cheesey werewolf flick!

Being in high school at the time, I was old enough and mature enough I wasn't scarred for life or anything. It was actually pretty hilarious! But I don't think I've rented another werewolf movie since then either...



Daffycat said...

ROFLOL funny thing is I don't remember this!

Ioso said...

I.Love.This.Story! lol